After seven years of marriage Mary and John experienced a crisis which threatened to destroy their marriage – the quintessential seven year itch. Here they describe how the crisis unfolded, and how they managed to save their marriage.
Mary: After slowly getting to know each other as students in the same college, I found myself falling in love with John. We enjoyed the excitement of being together and falling in love and life was for exploring. We would talk for hours and had so much to share with each other, I felt valued and appreciated.
We used to think we were made for each other, that we’d found our soul mate for life but after seven years of marriage we were reaching crisis point. I felt disorientated, disillusioned, fearful, confused and sad. Could this be happening to us so soon in our married life? Where did we go from here?
We had been growing apart little by little and I didn’t realise it until it was almost too late. I thought everything was fine. I focused a lot on my work and our marriage had become less of a priority. This wasn’t a decision I had made, it just went that way and I didn’t notice it.
John had become very negative. I did love him and I was worried about him, but on a daily basis I probably wasn’t showing that and I just wanted him to get on with it and stop bringing me his problems and expecting me to find the solutions. I didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know what to do either. So we did nothing and hoped that things would get better but they got worse.
John: When I first met Mary I knew that she was the woman that I had been waiting for. We enjoyed spending all our time together, watching the sun setting after all day picnics, followed by long candle lit dinners. The day I married Mary was the most wonderful day of my life. All the things that had been missing in my life were suddenly there. I thought we would soon have our own family and live happily ever after. We would always be best friends and definitely not repeat the mistakes that we saw our parents had made.
Seven years later we still had no children and the plans I had for our life together were not working out. I became more irritable, felt a general lack of joy and was spending more time on unimportant things. I was often inflexible and argumentative as I took out my frustration on Mary. I also started drinking more, to escape my deep unhappiness. Mary did not seem to understand me and I felt alone and unloved and I slowly edged into a depression.
A female colleague seemed to take an interest in how I felt and this gave me some comfort. Being emotionally vulnerable this new friendship quickly became like a drug that I needed more and more of to feel better. We became closer and as I started pursuing this friendship further, we developed a relationship. After this point I could not think clearly anymore, and my life was getting out of control. It was not what I had intended. Our marriage was now in serious trouble and for a long time I was unwilling to take any responsibility for bringing us to this point.
Mary: When things got really bad in our marriage I realised that this new girl in work was not only a new friend but was now posing a real threat to our marriage. I felt betrayed, hurt and angry. I wanted to scream out my pain but instead I kept it all inside.
I felt like I had failed and was ashamed that my marriage was in this terrible state. I remember thinking, is married life over for me now? I didn’t want to give up though. I believed in marriage. It wasn’t disposable, it has a deep meaning.
As we started to try to address the problems in our marriage it was a very rocky road with frequent arguments. I thought, this is too hard, I can’t do this anymore. Then I remembered the words ‘Take up your cross and follow me’, and this inspiration kept me going through the difficult times, but change was desperately needed. We both felt hurt about different things and this was a huge barrier that made it difficult to hear each other and listen to each other.
John: Through the support of friends and family we kept on going during the cold war that was fought between us. The major breakthrough came at a talk that we attended during the International Eucharistic Congress in 2012, by a marriage support group called Retrouvaille. I remember being impressed with how the men talked about their feelings. We decided to attend the programme and this helped me to understand and take responsibility for my own feelings and to not blame anyone else for them. I realised that it’s important to recognise my emotional needs and to deal with them within my marriage. This was a key factor in our marriage recovery.
As we grew closer on the Retrouvaille weekend I could start to see past my own hurts and see all the hurt that I had caused Mary. How could she ever forgive me? I worked on being transparent with her, accepting her feelings and pain and showing my full commitment to her. On the last day of the weekend I was prompted to ask for forgiveness and I was relieved when Mary responded that she had already forgiven me. All of a sudden we had so much life ahead of us again.
In the busyness of life I never listened to what God wanted from me. I now realize that we need to embrace the differences that exist and find our own purpose rather than all trying to fit into the same measure. I did not notice the other couples much at the programme as it was a classroom setting and we didn’t need to share our problems with anyone else. The other couples helped us to see that we were not alone and that difficulties are normal in a marriage and that seeking help is not a failure.
Mary: On the weekend, the distinctive technique of dialogue provided a breakthrough in our communication, as it taught me to communicate without attacking or blaming. We learned a step by step guide in non-confrontational communication so that we could understand and listen to each other and the underlying feelings.
Learning about forgiveness together was an important step in the healing of our marriage. I wanted to forgive John but I had so many doubts and felt very vulnerable. I learned that forgiveness starts with a decision, despite our feelings, and it is a profound act of love. With the help of Retrouvaille, I felt a renewed sense of hope in our marriage, like a new dawn with brightness on the horizon and the possibilities that a new day brings.
The Retrouvaille weekend was the start of a life transforming experience for me and our marriage. The honest testimonies of the presenting couples were so powerful, and the transforming experience that it had on us, and all that we learnt that weekend has helped us to seek unity as our goal in marriage. I know that we got help from God during this time to get through it and reach another level in our marriage. While still pursuing our options to have children there are so many ways we can still give our love, to family, friends, nieces and nephews, some of whom are hurting due to brokenness in their own families and to other couples by helping Retrouvaille.
Over forty hours of guided workshops and presentations, based on an internationally recognized programme are given to the participants. It is spread over approximately eight weeks and starts with a residential weekend. The programme gave us the tools to rebuild a happy marriage, and John is, thank God, once again my best friend. My advice now to any couple is, if you need help, don’t hesitate to get it.
Conclusion
Retrouvaille Ireland celebrate twenty years of helping marriages this year, coinciding with the Year of Mercy. The programme teaches essential tools which helps couples to rebuild their marriage and covers areas such as effective communication and listening, understanding ourselves and our spouse, family of origin influences and forgiveness and conflict resolution.
The presenting couples have all experienced pain and disillusionment in their own marriages and are in a unique position to understand the pain that the couples are experiencing at this point in their lives.
For further information and dates of upcoming programmes see www.retrouvaille.ie